Love Letters
These People {Heart} Me So Much
In October 2022, Cherry Poppins exclaimed simply the word: “Transphobe!” in response to my email to Cherry: “Initially you'd mentioned level of interest. I have to say that this story really isn't for me,” in passing on the query she’d sent about an unfinished novel.
###
Omar Eldasher, querying me his book, started with:
"Hi Mark,
Good God, your website’s horrible! I’d like to offer my wife’s services to make it at least a bit more inviting, instead of this endless scroll of yammer-style writing."
###
James T. Fields of Tulsa wrote this love letter to me on Fri 9/18/2020 5:57 PM:
"I had doubts about submitting to you. You are the only agent I’ve ever called out. You’re website is a maniacal rant and you are the biggest self promoter out there. Good riddance."
James T. Fields of Tulsa, responsive to nothing, sent me a follow-up love letter later that night on Fri 9/18/2020 10:17 PM because he loved me that much:
"Your website is a cranky rant and you promote yourself like no other agent in the business. Keep telling the world how brilliant you are. Thanks for passing."
You are very welcome, James. Daily, writers tell me how much they like what I have to say on my website. You disagree. This is the marketplace of ideas.
Sorry I got your name wrong in my reply (your email address bore your, then, wife's name). I apologized in writing, which somehow brought on these love letters even after you initially replied to my passing, "Thanks for your words of encouragement." It's all very strange, but you're welcome. Hope things get better for you and that you find love again. Your wife filed for divorce 3 months after these love letters there in Tulsa County. Perhaps you were going through something and taking it out on me. Then again, maybe you're a petulant dick.
####
Below—in reverse order, most recent to earliest (perhaps scroll down for 5 minutes until you get to the beginning and start there)—is the full email exchange, with redactions to protect Sir’s identification and privacy ("a leader is best when people barely know he exists..." - Lao Tzu), between me and a writer I respected wherein over the course of eighteen months I cajole, annoy, and attack him to unforgivable depths of depravity before he gave me a well-deserved e-tonguelashing, a what-for.
And before you begin reading this long chain of dense communication which, for Sir, must have been an impenetrable hellish morass in terms of timesuck, I just want to say (really to Sir more than you): Thank you, Sir, for the lesson. Indeed, you exercised saintly patience in dealing with my 8 terse emails spread out over those grueling eighteen months. It was very big of you to punch down and teach me, the insolent knave I am. I needed it. There’s no love like tough love.
- - - - - -
From: [email protected]
To: Sir
[Sir] – I was simply recalling an email for the very reason you state. I thought asking again was overdoing it.
From: Sir
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Recall: THE LATE BLOOMER
I have been beyond patient with you, Mark. The deal was and remains when people ask me for a blurb you might not hear from me and if that's the case, I either didn't get to it or didn't like it. You are the first person of the many who ask for blurbs who has been unable or unwilling to honor that. Do not email me again. Good luck with your work.
From: Mark Falkin [email protected]
To: Sir
Subject: Recall: THE LATE BLOOMER
Mark Falkin would like to recall the message, "THE LATE BLOOMER".
From: Mark Falkin [email protected] (2 months after my email below)
To: Sir
Hi [Sir] - Reading your [xxxx] interview on a flight now. Would you have any time to spare listening to the audiobook version of The Late Bloomer (or dig out that ARC from last year)?
Thanks
Mark Falkin
On xxxx, at xxxx (10 months after Sir's email below), Mark Falkin wrote:
From: Mark Falkin [email protected]
To: Sir
Man, I wish you could have because [book] is in a similar wheelhouse of narrative. Timing is everything, I guess. My bad luck.
On xxx, at xxxx AM, [Sir] wrote:
I’m not going to be able to come through. Sorry, Mark
On xxxxx, at xxxx PM, Mark Falkin wrote:
Hey there, [Sir]. Hope your summer is going well. My publisher is telling me they’d need a blurb from you on The Late Bloomer by the first week of August, if you were so kind as to have one on offer. Do let me know if you aren’t able to read/blurb so we can adjust. Thanks much--
Mark Falkin
From: Sir
To: Mark Falkin <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: THE LATE BLOOMER
I did!
On xxxx, at xxxx PM, Mark Falkin <[email protected]> wrote:
Just want to confirm that you received a book from the publisher. Thanks!
Mark Falkin
From: Mark Falkin [mailto:[email protected]]
To: Sir
Subject: RE: galley read request
Hi, [Sir]. These ARCs (The Late Bloomer) just went out the door Tuesday from Rare Bird Books in LA. Look for it soon. Thank you.
Mark Falkin
From: Mark Falkin [mailto:[email protected]]
To: Sir
Subject: RE: galley read request
Understood. I appreciate it, [Sir].
When the ARC is ready, I’ll have my publisher send one to you.
Thanks--
Mark Falkin
From: Sir
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: galley read request
Hi, Mark,
Thanks for the kind words. I'm currently buried under a pile of arcs to read, but you can send the galley if you're okay with the following proviso: if you don't hear from me I didn't have the time to get to it or I read it and it wasn't my cup of tea.
[Sir’s mailing address]
Either way, best of luck with the book.
Best,
[Sir]
From: Mark Falkin <[email protected]>
To: Sir
Subject: galley read request
Mr. [Sir],
Love your work. Years ago I read a story of yours about [xxxxx] and knew I’d found a writer to keep an eye on. Good luck with the [xxxxx] and all.
I’ve got a horror novel coming out with Rare Bird Books in October. Would you consider reading the galley? I can send more info, if so.
Thank you.
####
###
Omar Eldasher, querying me his book, started with:
"Hi Mark,
Good God, your website’s horrible! I’d like to offer my wife’s services to make it at least a bit more inviting, instead of this endless scroll of yammer-style writing."
###
James T. Fields of Tulsa wrote this love letter to me on Fri 9/18/2020 5:57 PM:
"I had doubts about submitting to you. You are the only agent I’ve ever called out. You’re website is a maniacal rant and you are the biggest self promoter out there. Good riddance."
James T. Fields of Tulsa, responsive to nothing, sent me a follow-up love letter later that night on Fri 9/18/2020 10:17 PM because he loved me that much:
"Your website is a cranky rant and you promote yourself like no other agent in the business. Keep telling the world how brilliant you are. Thanks for passing."
You are very welcome, James. Daily, writers tell me how much they like what I have to say on my website. You disagree. This is the marketplace of ideas.
Sorry I got your name wrong in my reply (your email address bore your, then, wife's name). I apologized in writing, which somehow brought on these love letters even after you initially replied to my passing, "Thanks for your words of encouragement." It's all very strange, but you're welcome. Hope things get better for you and that you find love again. Your wife filed for divorce 3 months after these love letters there in Tulsa County. Perhaps you were going through something and taking it out on me. Then again, maybe you're a petulant dick.
####
Below—in reverse order, most recent to earliest (perhaps scroll down for 5 minutes until you get to the beginning and start there)—is the full email exchange, with redactions to protect Sir’s identification and privacy ("a leader is best when people barely know he exists..." - Lao Tzu), between me and a writer I respected wherein over the course of eighteen months I cajole, annoy, and attack him to unforgivable depths of depravity before he gave me a well-deserved e-tonguelashing, a what-for.
And before you begin reading this long chain of dense communication which, for Sir, must have been an impenetrable hellish morass in terms of timesuck, I just want to say (really to Sir more than you): Thank you, Sir, for the lesson. Indeed, you exercised saintly patience in dealing with my 8 terse emails spread out over those grueling eighteen months. It was very big of you to punch down and teach me, the insolent knave I am. I needed it. There’s no love like tough love.
- - - - - -
From: [email protected]
To: Sir
[Sir] – I was simply recalling an email for the very reason you state. I thought asking again was overdoing it.
From: Sir
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Recall: THE LATE BLOOMER
I have been beyond patient with you, Mark. The deal was and remains when people ask me for a blurb you might not hear from me and if that's the case, I either didn't get to it or didn't like it. You are the first person of the many who ask for blurbs who has been unable or unwilling to honor that. Do not email me again. Good luck with your work.
From: Mark Falkin [email protected]
To: Sir
Subject: Recall: THE LATE BLOOMER
Mark Falkin would like to recall the message, "THE LATE BLOOMER".
From: Mark Falkin [email protected] (2 months after my email below)
To: Sir
Hi [Sir] - Reading your [xxxx] interview on a flight now. Would you have any time to spare listening to the audiobook version of The Late Bloomer (or dig out that ARC from last year)?
Thanks
Mark Falkin
On xxxx, at xxxx (10 months after Sir's email below), Mark Falkin wrote:
From: Mark Falkin [email protected]
To: Sir
Man, I wish you could have because [book] is in a similar wheelhouse of narrative. Timing is everything, I guess. My bad luck.
On xxx, at xxxx AM, [Sir] wrote:
I’m not going to be able to come through. Sorry, Mark
On xxxxx, at xxxx PM, Mark Falkin wrote:
Hey there, [Sir]. Hope your summer is going well. My publisher is telling me they’d need a blurb from you on The Late Bloomer by the first week of August, if you were so kind as to have one on offer. Do let me know if you aren’t able to read/blurb so we can adjust. Thanks much--
Mark Falkin
From: Sir
To: Mark Falkin <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: THE LATE BLOOMER
I did!
On xxxx, at xxxx PM, Mark Falkin <[email protected]> wrote:
Just want to confirm that you received a book from the publisher. Thanks!
Mark Falkin
From: Mark Falkin [mailto:[email protected]]
To: Sir
Subject: RE: galley read request
Hi, [Sir]. These ARCs (The Late Bloomer) just went out the door Tuesday from Rare Bird Books in LA. Look for it soon. Thank you.
Mark Falkin
From: Mark Falkin [mailto:[email protected]]
To: Sir
Subject: RE: galley read request
Understood. I appreciate it, [Sir].
When the ARC is ready, I’ll have my publisher send one to you.
Thanks--
Mark Falkin
From: Sir
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: galley read request
Hi, Mark,
Thanks for the kind words. I'm currently buried under a pile of arcs to read, but you can send the galley if you're okay with the following proviso: if you don't hear from me I didn't have the time to get to it or I read it and it wasn't my cup of tea.
[Sir’s mailing address]
Either way, best of luck with the book.
Best,
[Sir]
From: Mark Falkin <[email protected]>
To: Sir
Subject: galley read request
Mr. [Sir],
Love your work. Years ago I read a story of yours about [xxxxx] and knew I’d found a writer to keep an eye on. Good luck with the [xxxxx] and all.
I’ve got a horror novel coming out with Rare Bird Books in October. Would you consider reading the galley? I can send more info, if so.
Thank you.
####